When faking this oh-so-essential component of tech know-how, there's only a relatively small chance of getting fired. Especially if you're not at work.
I hate looking up tech jargon. I hate even saying jargon. I'd rather be fake smart.
First of all, I can't figure out why everybody is still talking about Siri. Siri, Siri, Siri. Some people actually fall in love with her. Geez, I wish that know it all Drama Queen's bytes would all crap out at the same time.
Siri basics: Her databases are called "active ontologies." So she's permanently pregnant! She's hot to hang with "application programming interfaces," which feed her data – yum! The scariest Siri factoid is that she can talk to her sisters, all named Siri, which is just confusing. Siri to the 20th power can gather your 20-person family for a meal at Chili's. Just imagine, 20 Siris talking, gossiping, maybe helping you if they feel like it. Bottom Line: Beware! Tell all of your friends to be nice to Siri—her sisters may inherit the earth. But they'd need bodies first...Maybe Mattel can join with Apple to create a Siri Barbie! I bet you anything that's already in the works.
So, the main thing to know about Siri is that she can't be trusted.
Enough about that. Uh oh. I think she heard me. Now, let's use the Apple Watch and the Brain Computer as examples.
What's that? You've already ditched your fine-but-no-longer-cool toys? Well, that's just wasteful. They're not skinny enough, and they have to weigh less than a kilogram to entice you? Are you sure you're not talking about your girlfriends?
Even though it may be obsolete by now. It'll still be a hoot to trash the Apple Watch. Oops, I think "a hoot" is an obsolete saying now, too. Oh well, pressing on. What's that? I can't use British expressions on LinkedIn? Oh, bother. No, no, that's my expression; I just made it up.
What's that? You've already ditched these fine-but-no-longer-cool toys? Well, that's just wasteful. They're not skinny enough, and they have to weigh less than a kilogram to entice you? Are you sure you're not talking about your girlfriends?
OK, skinny-girlfriend-guy, what do you know about the Apple Watch? Nothing, you say? Perfect. So if you casually mention to skinny-girlfriend-guy that the Apple Watch's battery only lasts 24 hours, he'd say "How did you know that? You're amazing." And voila, I'm a tech genius.
For some reason, people love to talk about money. So, to sound like a techie and a money genius, just say in an excited voice, "The Apple Watch is only $400. What a deal." Say it again, like a pep squad: "The Apple Watch is only $400! What a deal! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Apple Watch!" See, people respond to anything if you repeat it enough times, and they love cheerleaders.
The Apple Watch is more than just a Health-o-Meter. It's a fulfillment of Dick Locher's (creator of Dick Tracy) prophecy: the wrist phone. Maybe you've never heard of Dick Tracy. It doesn't matter, all you need to know is that zines beat tech by eight decades, give or take. Take that, tech!
Brain Computer, you are so 30th century. What are you doing here? This is a sacred gadget to techies, so be sincere when you say to them: "Are you sure you haven't been reading too much Sci-Fi?" A Brain Computer is a weird, creepy shower cap device that sucks info out of your brain into a laptop. Actually, just say, to anyone who asks: "Ohhhh, like Siri in reverse." Genius time!
And, that's all you need to know about tech.
By Ashley West
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